dorothea sara josephine.

better late than never.

2011-11-13T22:25:00.001-08:00

there are times when i feel like writing - an activity that was more than a pastime or hobby; writing was my personal identifier. now, i don't even know that girl who used to write. She used to need to ink pages and deplete her brain of every thought, every complaint, observation, feeling. She was cool. Independent. Outspoken. young.

my saturday...gangsta style

2010-06-19T02:19:00.000-07:00

i walked through the Esplanade today. it was a nice day to walk through the park. surprisingly, the ducks were all swimming in the pond as opposed to attacking people for bread. i wondered, despite how many people are "feeding the ducks", if the ducks are less inclined to eat at a specific time of day? did the three families (parents+kids) with their whole loaves of bread get to the pond at the wrong time; were the ducks too busy taking their much needed afternoon swim?

i walked up to the park cafe and ordered a flat white (latte). luckily for me, i caught them 6 minutes before they closed. i sat outside and read some of my book. unfortunately, i had to drink quickly thereby canceling my planned "leisure time".

i came home and watched a silly game show hosted by Donnie Osman. It's an English game show where one contestant has to guess strangers' identity (profession) for money. kinda interesting. made me think about just how much appearance can say about a person. the contestant did really well in the game and took home $4000(Pounds). She guessed the following correctly:

a general practioner
a microbiologist or something of the science profession
a grandfather of 5
"born in New Zealand"
a professional canoeist
welder
and a few more professions..

i made myself steak, mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli for dinner. after eating, i opened a window to air out the kitchen which startled a moth on the window, causing it to fly into a spider's web. i felt terrible. i watched it fly around and struggle and then suddenly, it just stopped moving :(
i saw the spider; black, leggy and bigger than your normal house spider. it looked hungry. i still feel awful.

i've spent the last two hours drawing and thinking of fun ways to tell my boyfriend i love him. he comes home in a couple of days. i'm excited!

and that is how i spent my saturday...gangsta style.

quiet + loud all at the same time.

2010-06-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

one morning i was rambunctious and energetic; dancing in between sips of coffee and pecking at my breakfast. i was happy. i could feel his love from around the world. then suddenly, i stopped. i was stripped of loud noises, calmed by beauty. the only thing that came to mind was Rumi's Music Master.

Music Master

You that love lovers,

this is your home. Welcome!

In the midst of making form, love

made this form that melts form,

with love for the door,

soul the vestibule.

Watch the dust grains moving

in the light near the window.

Their dance is our dance.

We rarely hear the inward music,

but we're all dancing to it nevertheless,

directed by the one who teaches us,

the pure joy of the sun,

our music master.

When I am with you, we stay up all night.

When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.

Praise God for these two insomnias!

And the difference between them.

The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.

We are the mirror as well as the face in it.

We are tasting the taste this minute of eternity.

We are pain and what cures pain, both.

We are the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.

I want to hold you close like a lute,

so we can cry out with loving.

You would rather throw stones at a mirror?

I am your mirror, and here are the stones.

--- Rumi

[found the poem on this site.]

Dear Tedd,

2010-06-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

Since our last email, about a month ago, I've been mentally composing a letter to you thinking of all the things I can tell you about New Zealand. First, I am truly excited about your year long adventure. Are you doing that organic farming program in "Aotearoa"? Other than experiencing the Kiwi lifestyle, what will you be doing for work? My personal experiences and of those of other American visitors, finding employment has been difficult. I've learned that it is definitely best to find work through networking.

I'm certain that along your way, you will hear all about the "must see" natural beauties of New Zealand. The south island is filled with such beautiful indescribable landscapes, you will feel guilt from taking photos: the various sounds (Milford Sound and Doubtful Sound), the tourist dwellings of Queenstown, Invercargill (one of the southernmost city in the world), the comfortable nest of Christchurch. My favorite city in the south island is Wanaka. It was the most comfortable backpacking city filled with fellow backpackers and young people. Also so gorgeous, you wonder how God made such a special place. The north island is just as exquisite as the south but on a different plane; in my opinion, it appears to be more metropolitan and urban such as Wellington (capital of NZ) and Auckland. There is so much more that you will experience than I have, especially with your length of stay.

People will ask you about America and if pop culture is truly what it seems. Be prepared to answer questions about Jersey Shore and the phenomena that which is known as the "fist pump". You will also be questioned about sexual deviance portrayed in the American Pie movie series; your personal take on politics (which will represent America in general) and/or be asked as to why certain international political actions were taken by Americans in any given debate; and what is so effen great about baseball or grind iron (American football).

Kiwis are quite friendly and are willing to engage in conversation. I will caution you that American sarcasm is not easily translated. I know I can tell a bad story and/or joke, however, there are times when things simply do not translate. Don't worry. They will laugh regardless.

"Tui" beer is quite popular especially in the north island. When ordering a strong alcoholic beverage, i.e. whiskey coke, be sure to ask for a double shot of whiskey. What constitutes as one American full shot is usually half in Kiwi bartender lingo. Ordering coffee is tricky. I haven't had any luck with ordering filtered coffee yet. Tall black is 2 shots of espresso NOT black coffee. Flat whites are delicious! - steamed milk and espresso.

Kiwis are actually funny looking birds especially if you see a toy stuffed animal depiction of one. But in real life, they are super cute. New Zealanders do not like possums (feel free to see my previous post which has photo of a dead possum).

Take advantage of fish & chip shops. Note: $5 NZD will go a very long way. If you come across the opportunity for a fried Moro bar - Do It. You will feel sugar comatose after, but it's worth doing at least once in your life. Also, don't be alarmed when you find out fast food chains' proportions are significantly smaller than what we Americans are used to. A good thing is, you won't feel as gross eating Maccers (McDonalds) when you see your large "chips" (fries) & coke are actually an American small.

While here be sure to purchase a special piece of green stone. Do not pick paua shells or rocks or green stone from rivers. It's thought to be disrespectful and will bring you bad luck. Purchase such from a legit seller.

The All Blacks are the country's national rugby team. You'll learn that there are regional rugby teams. Canterbury Rugby (relates to the south) is thought to be the best rugby in the world. There is also a sport called "rugby league". It is much faster than regular rugby.
Rugby is so much fun to watch! Once you understand the game, you will totally dig it. Know this: in rugby you aren't allowed to pass forward. You can only pass sideways. Also, a rugby "touchdown" known as a "try" is worth 5pts. The "field goal" known as the "conversion kick" is worth 3pts. It is an 80 minute game. The essential rules of rugby is the same as grid iron.

Everything is "pay as you go" including cell phone plans, rent (which is paid weekly), utilities, etc.

If you're Wellington and want to get a Kiwi haircut, let me know and I'll refer you to the man who cuts the U.S. Eagles Rugby team's hair. If you're interested in getting a Maori tattoo, investigate more into it. It's quite sacred and possibly frowned upon if a foreigner got one. Not too sure.. One more thing, if you can see the new Kiwi movie, BOY, I highly suggest watching it. It's really good and the country is very proud of its success.

Tedder, these are my little tid-bits that I've gathered while being here. I am more than certain you will have very different and maybe even more exciting experiences than I. I know you are going to have an amazing time. I know it.

Sincerely,

Doty doty doty.

blue ties.

2010-06-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

Every show and movie I've watched today, someone was wearing a blue tie. Fight Club, the featured Saturday night movie on local television, the boss man wore cornflower blue ties. The memory eraser doctor on Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, wears a blue tie and white lab coat. The countless episodes of How I Met Your Mother; I'm certain that Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) wears some sort of blue cravat.

Last night was an amazing night for me. I went to a Katchafire concert by myself, danced the night away, met some cool cats, and ate late night fish & chips -- a $5 value meal which provided 3 meals. I came home elated, jubilant, and crazy in love. Chances on my side, I was able to revel in the momentous evening with my boyfriend via Skype. Seeing him I felt like reciting all of Rumi's love poems, the Corinthians, cheesy overpriced screen print cards and their cliche yet all the right words card messages to him. I went to bed and slept like a baby.

Tonight is not as adventurous. In fact, tonight, Saturday night, is rather boring and lonely.

Having spent last night drinking, I slept in today. There was no real pertinent tangible reason for me to get up. With my curtains drawn my room simulated night and I was warm and cozy under my sheep skin rug/blanket. Then the driving mantra of my existence, Carpe Diem! pushed my out of bed and into the shower. It was 1130am.

I toyed with the idea of catching a movie by myself then possibly meeting up with the people I met last night for a drink. I called Air New Zealand to reschedule my trip to Australia. I was going to leave tomorrow. The man on the other line, Trevor, was the most conversation I had had all day. Aside from business, we compared American apples with Kiwi oranges. It was the first conversation I've had with a Kiwi that didn't feel forced. Yes he was helping me with my ticket situation but the conversation itself wasn't part of his job script. He wasn't associated with the rugby club nor was he attempting to hit on me. He was a stranger actually interested in our chat. It was nice. Pleasant to my ear. I cooked spaghetti making homemade pasta sauce. I didn't have any defrosted ground beef and thought about how my boyfriend prefers everything with meat. I missed him while I cooked. Time slipped away and I concluded that tonight was the night to go out. A decision dependent solely on financial reasons.

Not long after I sat down to eat my spaghetti and side of broccoli, my roommate Mike went to bed. It was around 9pm. I watched Fight Club anxiously anticipating the scene when he realizes he is Trevor and starts beating himself up. When it got to that part, I waited too long that I lost interest at the end. I sneaked into Mike's tobacco and rolled myself a cigarette. Somewhere in the middle of the film, I started drinking a beer. I walked out onto the back deck, sat in the dark and smoked my stolen cigarette and drank my half empty bottle of beer. I hadn't had a smoke in so long my cig kept blowing out. I also don't think I roll cigarettes well. Like I said, it had been a while and will be again.

It was a cloudy night. I couldn't see any stars. On a clear night, New Zealand night skies are lit with boundless stars. I think I may have even seen the Milky Way a time or two. Sadly, that wasn't tonight.

Smoking in the cold is as familiar to me as the wooden floors of my family home.

I wondered about my friend Tedd. He's coming to New Zealand in September living here for a whole year. I wondered about what experiences he will have and if he would ever feel as lonely as I was when I smoking on the deck. He will have an indescribable time. I imagine him getting along with the guys in pubs, meeting other backpackers, drawing on napkins, laughter and then quiet nights staring at the stars surrounded by newness and people. He won't be set in one place. He'll be free to do as he pleases. Unlike me, he isn't waiting for someone to come back. I'm excited for Tedd. He's my friend.

I suppose I could just go to bed now. For most the day is over unless you are out partying, then your night is just beginning.

Oh well...so another one bites the dust and today was a "Sunday" Saturday.

it's June and it's fall.

2010-06-03T02:01:00.000-07:00

i never thought i would see autumn in June.

maybe 100ft. from my house is the entrance way to the Victoria Esplanade. there is a path that travels through a beautiful small section of the arboretum, filled with the sing song of flirty birds. in the Esplanade there is also a rose garden, large duck pond, bird aviary, and other lovely sights.

duck pond.

within a matter of minutes, i was soon encircled by ducks. feeding the ducks moldy bread has become a favorite past time, although i'll admit i do get a little anxious.

a pic of me feeding the ducks..quack!

The indigenous Māori language name for New Zealand is Aotearoa, commonly translated as The Land of the Long White Cloud.

four days down.

2010-06-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

I have never been a fan of waking up early. But last night I set my alarm for 7am with one sole purpose - throw out the garbage. I woke up to my alarm without hesitation, hopped in my gum boots (rain boots), and walked the trash to the curb. I snuggled back into bed, fell asleep, and didn't wake up again until 12pm.

Finally awake and cognizant of the day (or what was left of it), I had an epiphany...I have no life. By this I mean, I spend most of my days doing absolutely nothing.

"Nothing" - a cycle viciously influenced by passivity and satisfaction with existing solely on television, food, internet and recliner.

This realization has been made many times before, however, it was especially loud and clear today. Certain causal factors are external and uncontrollable like waiting for some one to hire you. However, when you realize that the only thing you aspire to do one day is to throw out the garbage, something must change. Something needs to change.

I've allowed myself to become the dreaded "vortex" and/or avoided "complainer." And honestly, that sucks major ass hole. I don't like what I feel like I've become. Sucking isn't fun; especially for those around you. (i'm sorry, V.) So these past few (4) days, I've been loving myself more. And I've been using the love of others to help me.

With most of my day gone and all of my friends (literally all of them) around the world, I managed to have a pretty good day. I spoke to some really good friends of mine whom I've lost a little bit of contact with. Learning about the on-goings with my friends' lives, their goals, aspirations, accomplishments, doubts -- well it didn't make me feel so alone. You never think just how much people can positively affect and encourage you, whether near or far. Even more so, how you yourself return the favor by also setting an example for others. Connecting with love ones reminded me of who I am and what I'm capable of. Thank you. Thank you very much. all of you.

I'm greasing the wheels on personal goals and some creative projects, including the reformation of this blog. cuidate.

new zealand updates

2010-04-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

just to bring everyone up to speed- Volney and I have left good old Wellington and moved north to Palmerston North. a move that was a difficult decision to make but made nonetheless. we have traded in comforts of friends and familiarity for genuine suburban life and a town square that can be memorized after an hour. more trade offs we have "humbly" forfeited - microwave, cable, internet, and dependable public transportation in exchange for a cleaner, nicer, newer home which also serves as the home to many daddy long leg spiders. ICK.

the adjustment was rough the first couple of days but as expected, everything has mellowed and adjustment has been made. fortunately, a friend of ours lent us his car for the weekend and we've been able to get from Point A to Point B at a faster rate. walking is overrated.

sidenote: that stupid song by that American Idol guy.."what do you want from me? what do you want from me??...." plays 24/7 and is playing right now. you know what I really want? for you to shut the **** up. i hate that song.

i'll try to upload some pics soon.

love,
D.

i heart meat pies.

2010-04-11T03:59:00.000-07:00

this post is dedicated to the wonderful joys of meat pies. sorry my vegetarian friends. they are just so awesome. before my visit last year, Volney raved about the deliciousness of meat pies. since then, I have had the great opportunity to experience the awesomeness first hand - buttery flaky goodness filled with gravy, cheese, and meat baked and kept warm to perfection. MmmMmMmm....!! naturally, some pies are better than others (think of different grades of pizza like Dominos v. Lou Malnati's) however, either way you go, I'm sure any pie will satisfy. Trisha's Pies are one of my tops and I am truly blessed to live only a few blocks away. my personal favorite, steak & cheese pie large.
check out this link. some guy also checked out the different pies in Wellington: Days of our Pies | the Wellingtonista

soon to be featured: fish & chips.

night walking.

2010-04-11T02:50:00.000-07:00

in this house resides 4 boys and 1 girl.

1 bathroom. 1 kitchen. smelly carpet. some bugs. springy couches.

washer + dryer (amen)

we live right on the corner.

this is our "dairy" also on the corner of Coutts & Tirangi.

it's a quaint corner store stocked with candy, which are called "lollis" (like lolli pops)

we buy ice cream cones for $1.80 NZD

today i had "hokey pokey" which tasted like yellow cake batter with crispy caramel wafer chunks.

down the street toward Lyall Bay (the beach) are industrial factories.

we are also within walking distance from

Wellington's airport. This is fact, because I walked to the house

from the airport the morning I arrived - luggage and all.

my second night here, I walked around the neighborhood while the boys were at rugby practice.

I walked to "The Warehouse" (similar to a mega K-Mart) and bought a few necessities for the house:

cutting board, a steel spatula, and a bathroom rug.

someone melted the plastic cutting board on the stove; the spatula was also melted down to its core a clear indication of early signs of cancer; and it just felt weird walking into the bathroom thinking I was going for a swim.

i made it.

2010-04-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in Wellington, New Zealand! I got here about a week ago and have spent the past few days adjusting - physically and mentally. On the map, right where Coutts St. meets the corner where the word Rongotai, is where we live. Rongotai is a suburb of Wellington. We are a 1/2 mile from the beach, Lyall Bay and about a 10 minute walk to Kilbirnie, a small town/suburb with shops.

View Larger Map

The first couple of nights were rough. Between living in a house that smelled like old wood and 60 year old carpet paired with one of the coldest showers of my life, I was pretty much ready to go home. But it's gotten much better and I'm done pouting. Sleep has been helping too :)

Last night, we were walking around town and ran into some of V's rugby mates. They left talking about how they were going to go "shooting." I turned and said, "oh where do you play basketball?" They explained that "shooting" meant shooting. As in, they were going to shoot possums and rabbits. Apparently, possums here are huge pests that eat the Kiwi natural wild life. According to Volney, they look like little monkies.

This morning, Volney walked in and asked me if I wanted the good news or the bad news.

Bad news - there's a dead possum and rabbit on our porch.
Good news - Now you'll know what a possum looks like.

welcome to New Zealand.

possum left. bunny right.

love from Montevideo, Uruguay

2009-11-12T18:41:00.000-08:00

email 11.12.09
"Oh ya, check out the pic, i found it durng practice but it didnt have a rip, but I had to put in in my sock to preserve it."

....love him :)

es la vida ::: my space blog.

2009-11-04T09:15:00.001-08:00

es la vida

we sat around, us three, in our underwear this hot tuesday morning taking pictures and smoking cigarettes, imagining the employees across the street hating on us young lazy bastards while we ate cake for breakfast.

crumbs of sugary vanilla cake and brightly colored frosting burying deep under our nails and falling in our hair and legs and hairy legs. i sprawled on sofas that have been stained by sex and laughter, reading while he slept in a scene of green that looked like he was wrapped in banana leaves. he sat up with a desparate look of a cigarette yet all the while very content like he had just completed the dirtiest deed.

she relaxed in a long cotton dress with a nice fitted hood, striped green and white. huge sunglasses hugged her pretty face hiding the horrors of late early morning drunkenness. her voice is chilled as she shares history or adolescence. beautiful girl with beautiful breasts, i can't stop taking pictures. everyone but me is wearing the perfume of liquor.
from around the corner a strange girl appeared in the kitchen quiet like a shadow. all i know is that she wears pink and black eyeglasses. she had left them and her purse on the kitchen table. she disappeared again into his room and came out completely dressed. she would have left without saying good morning had I not said goodbye.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Thanks Luis for reminding me to write.

2009-10-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

current mood: spacey.

you kiss the boys that kiss cotton balls - puffy puff dense images of what they want women to be like. click here. the belly button a portal that has shut or clipped the day you were born. life outlet. it is funny how plants gray over with dust. if i sit still in the corner with light shining on my skin will i be just as dusty & decorative? commence the rejection of the brain who hates non-sense. no cents. pennies with holes. how do you feel when you hear kissing? slobbering? the sound of someone eating elotes on a sweltering evening that not even the moon can break?

this morning my limbs ached like when I was a child running through gravel my shoes caked with powder and tiny pebbles sneaking into the bottom of my soles. dad would wrap my calves with long brown bandages after massaging Ben-Gay into my third grade muscles.

my nostrals are dry.

[tuesday june 19 2007]

we don't write like we used to.

2009-10-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

current mood: unsure. sleepy?

I could eat my own tongue
only if you would please
pass the savory and tarragon.
The days are full of long naps.
We embrace each other -
grip closeness like a lost object
we'd been looking for,
longer than the Mississippis
I used to count in the corner
with my eyes zipped
and everyone else hid.

I had a dream that we were under water and you took in
a breath of air and shared it with me.
We were dancing and hopping and being so soft and careful.
We were one.

There are no pictures to share
or prove that this place exists.
The camera's angles
will never be quite right.

[saturday. may 05 2007]

Samoan freewrite: 09.13.09

2009-10-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago when I was in Samoa. I didn't write much when I was there, but I can say it's the most writing I've done in months. I'm still in shock and am grieving for my friends whom may have perished this past week. We were right in Lalomanu and it's all gone now. May God bless.
. . . . .. ... . ..

09.13.09: Sunday

Sunday is the holy day. The holy color is white - pure, colorless, sacred. Clothes hang light on lines, dancing in the breeze. Like all other days, Sunday moves at a slow peaceful pace - it's the Samoan way. As soon as we cross the bridge it starts to rain. I've seen tree facing the sky like palms facing up, offering their green leaves to the sun. Down long strips of asphalt feet walk and cars drive. Part of the rules of the road is to always greet the other.

Family graves lay in front of homes adorned and protected under shaded cement fales. The ocean is right here. The ocean is right here.

So hot, even under shade. It's dead air. Their feet are flat, wide, brown - cover more ground that way. Samoa's scent is thick. Green leaves flat and wide like feet. Smell of fresh water lingers in the soil. Damp. It upsets me to see garbage along side the road. There are pockets of sky in the clouds. Seems to be one road that follows the perimeter of Upolu.

Mondays

2009-09-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

this isn't the first time that I've sat around on a Monday in my pajamas watching Sesame Street. I thoroughly love days like this. Unfortunately, I know it will soon be 5pm and I will have wasted my day. So to avoid such regret, I am hoping to get off my ass soon and actually do something "productive."

Since returning from vacation, I've been in a little adjustment funk. I think I caught a travel bug which took my appetite and made my tummy feeling very weak. Work is work. And I'm broke. Basically, I've returned to deal with my reality and everything is the same as it was when I left.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog featuring my heart collection. Wait and see. It's going to be good.

I'll be posting some freewrites soon. I actually like these. ..

there's no place like home. .. well, there could be better.

2009-09-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Volney and I got back from our Romactioedy trip a week ago today.

[Romactioedy - A romance, action, and comedy in one.]

Brief highlights of our Romactioedy: (inside jokes may apply)

performing surgery on Volney's big toe.
fighting over crayfish.
going on a road trip with one of your best friends.
learning how to (somewhat) budget your money.
taking millions of photos.
not being glued to a computer screen and/or cell phone.
realizing how insignificant my life is compared to a world full or people.
being introduced to different cultures.
eating like shit because we were on vacation.
visiting a cemetery.

Visiting New Zeland and Samoa were experiences in of in themselves. Therefore, there' s no way for me to successfully articulate just how awesome these places were.

Returning home is nice. It's nice to feel the comfort of familiarity but I've gotten that taste and I want more. I think I'm ready to travel some more and maybe even move to another country.

Volney & Dorothea make a Romactioedy: Day 7

2009-09-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

current location: Kaikoura, South Island heading north.

today we are going to catch the ferry in Picton to Wellington.

awesome things about this trip:

I don't know what day it is.
I haven't had to worry about work or phone calls - except my one dream about work. (nightmare rather)
Volney's secret trip for me is Somoa!

Volney & Dorothea's Romaction: New Zealand Day 4

2009-09-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today we're thinking of sky diving.

Major points to bullet before my computer internet goes down..

I arrived in Auckland and have been jet-lagged for the past 2 days or so. It totally bites.
We left Auckland (north island) and flew down to Queenstown (south island). Upon our arrival, Volney and I thought we were going to die. Our plane couldn't land properly and turbulance was a bitch. We definitely were scared. Very scared.
We're still alive.
Our trip to Milford Sound was canceled due to an avalanche.
We drove to Te Anau, Arrowtown, and took a boat trip to Doubtful Sound
Doubtful Sound = AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL
Watched a movie called "Once Were Warriors" a New Zealand classic. Not my greatest movie experience.
Currently in Wanaka, New Zealand. Wanaka is close to blowing Lake Tahoe out of the water.
I'm typing with a beautiful lake and gorgeous mountains behind me
Driving to the Glaciers today. May go sky diving.

photos up later.

love very much.

New Zealand Adventures: Day 1.

2009-08-30T23:22:00.001-07:00

hi. this will be brief. ..

i arrived early morning close to 5am in New Zealand. Air New Zealand is a pretty awesome airline: two meals, free wine, recent movies to watch (I saw The Hangover and The Soloist) and music. Sleep came and went about 2 hour "naps" throughout the flight.

It feels so good to be with Volney. He is quite hairy - so fuzzy you can barely see his lips. He is basically a head of hair even more so now with his beard. Me likes :)

We are currently staying in a suburb near Auckland. We are staying with a lovely couple, Marie and Kevin who have graciously offered their home to us. It feels good to stay in a "home" not a hotel. Tonight, they are cooking a bbq. That's very awesome.

We went hiking along a beach called, Kare Kare. The sand is so fine and gorgeously black. Volney and I created a little bend in the side to diverse the low river tide. I don't think we did much but we had a blast. [there's a reference pic until i upload my stuff]

Then, we traveled to this beach town called, Piha. Beautiful. We climbed up this huge rock that serves as a sacred historical rock. It's huge. I'll have to look through my pics to give you specifics.

Everyone on the trip is homesick. I, on the other hand, am happy to be away from my daily life in San Francisco. More importantly, I'm thrilled to be away from crazy ass people.

Anyway, I'm going to join the group now. Tonight is our last night together...well, the "group" night: Volney, Jim, George & Stevie. Tomorrow, begins the Volney & Dorothea adventures............

love.

if i could.../ i say, fuck it, again.

2009-08-22T19:23:00.001-07:00

i'd fly back to chicago and call sean, crystal, jer, and dianne and every one else on my phone list and go out dancing. i'm feeling like hip hop and some neo soul house. gimme it. i'd cruise in a borrowed family car, drink a delicious expensive beer, smoke a couple of cigs, dance, wear short shorts, hug people, go to a club, then a house party, then grab food at the ass crack of dawn.
. . . ... .... ... . . . .

so this is what it's like to wait. fuck it.

i spoke to R the other day and he seems to be doing well. i'm happy when my loved ones are doing well. i like that i can still make him laugh. rather, i - as in my nonsensical self - makes him laugh. i'm not necessarily making any kind of joke but yea. we had some good days. to good times - cheers!

i think i met a double-ganger of myself last night. she wasn't quite as cool but she was spontaneous and outgoing. she was silly. she was a "foot in the mouth" kinda person. i thought she was pretty cool. . . as cool as a person would be upon meeting them randomly at a club. her name was Katy.

Two days to go until Pistol & See Dot are reunited!!

It's been one whole year (as of last week) when we had that most shitty turned kick ass night. Boo-mutheffen-hiss to idiot boys! Hell yessss to karaoke! All we're missing is Ssshhhhhh! but we'll just drunk dial him.
something happened last night that completely upset me. i say fuck it. again.

i'm out. until the next entry. love love. love?

my home is where you are. can't you tell?

2009-08-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

is it possible to be love/homesick? if so, i think i've got an ailment.

want want want.

2009-08-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

tall glass of watermelonade. everyday.

want me some physical.

want me some flowers.

monday - the true art of relaxation.

2009-08-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

woke up and laid in bed thinking about my boyfriend. got up. showered. dressed and listened to music. brewed a great cup of coffee. left home. walked up and over the Broadway hill and down toward North Beach. arrived at Christine's house. was greeted by a shirtless woman and two smiling little ones. i bid adieu to the family as they left for Boston. lingered behind to tidy up their home by putting toys away. ate a turkey sandwich. left. walked to City Lights Book Store in search of a travel book of New Zealand. unsuccessful. posted up reading different adaptions of fairy tales such as Little Red Riding Hood and The Little Mermaid. came to the realization of my dislike toward Disney and Barbie. proceeding toward my apartment while talking to Rustel on the telephone. our conversations these days are usually filled with the "what are you doing with your life? what's new?" and proclamations of self discovered attractiveness and social events. such phone calls always end on a semi-awkward but not really note. met with Johnny and ate al-fresco on Fillmore. i had the "cheesesteak with chips" plus one GIANT chocolate chip cookie (made hourly) and a tall glass of WATERMELONADE. Absolute genius! the cookie and beverage satisfied my cravings from last night (a cookie and a cool refreshing drink). came home and talked to Volney on the phone. just like how video killed the radio star, telephones can have quite the affect on relationships. i still love the man but the phone does nothing but make me side. it's a slight addiction to talk to each other all the time. counting the days until we will see each other again.

just brewed a cup of coffee. making paper flowers and flower garlands for my store window.
going to hang out with Kate tonight and see Jared Paul and his band. not sure what's in store for this evening.

hope all goes well.

oh silly girls

2009-08-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

when jerilyn was here in july (2009), we rented a zip car and she brought her cds. we cruised around under the warm cali sun and loudly bumped wu-tang. we thought we were so cool driving through the haight with the "fuck you. fuck that. whatever" attitude.

then it dawned us that we were driving a rented car with a huge "zipcar" decal logo on the side doors and listening to cds, no less, thinking we were hardcore, because we were the obnoxious cats bumping wu-tang.

best moment of dorkiness realization EVER.

heart heart heart...

dress up.

2009-08-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

casual fridays: loose blue seersucker blouse gap; denim jeans: skinny pant rolled cuffs levi's; footwear: peep toe brown patent leather & suede wedges

monday (day off): top: gray tank h&m; bottoms: gray sweat shorts old navy, favorite knitted old lady sweater circa 2001 , gladiator sandals: black, chinese laundry; scarf: gift from sandy/accordian pleat with fringe; sunglass target

cardigan: black, missing 1 button, 3/4 sleeves, knitted, U.O.; vest: gray, missing 1 button also, stolen from my sissy; t-shirt: headphones image, $5, Old Navy; denim jeans: blue denim, skinny leg, levi's; scarf: gift from sandy, mustardy yellow, accordian pleat w fringe* favorites

Benefit - So Sick [nice one, C!]

2009-08-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

"makes me dislike west coastin prim san franciscan women looking for ballgown satin titty fittin dresses/yuppie greasers poppin striped collars tossin bullshit balla dollars gettin crunk hoping bitches will suck lick devour/unlucky like your designer pup short haired and mangled think youre doing good but its his breed you fucked and tangled"

hello August, you sexy beast you!

2009-07-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

July was brutal. for whatever reason, the 4 weeks of July is blurry and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. sure there were some good moments like when jerilyn was in town visiting & maybe a few good nights here and there. but overall, i think it was pretty anti-climatic to say the least.

a few new decisions/discoveries made in july. i guess not all was lost:

- law school out (for now) & grad school in
- pizza & french fries aren't necessary all the time. i've even started eating more greens
- started drawing againg & writing some
- had a kick in the ass for slacking and organization is back on top of my list
- New Zealand trip around the corner!!!
- whinning is for brides

oh happy times! See later July loser face!!!

hello sexy August!!

dear boy.

2009-07-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

you make my head spin. i dont know why, but i think we are magic.

sometimes, you make me so upset i want to bite you on the arm but then you say sorry, and i change my mind. (but you should still be nice to me!!)

i want to kiss you!

there's a slide in san francisco i want to take you to. i'm not sure where it is but we look for it together. it's a secret slide :)

if you were around, i'd learn how to make you chicken and vegetables. last night's conversation was so fun. yay! you're fun. i can't wait to eat packaged oatmeal with you in new zealand. you're my favoritest.

Saturday morning, you're not as cool as I hoped you'd be.

2009-07-25T12:37:00.001-07:00

last night: went home. cooked dinner - rice, hamburger patties, and spam. fuck off. the dish is very similar to my fave Hawaiian restaurant, Hukilau's "Loco Moco" minus the gravy and fried egg on top. saved myself about 20 bucks.

...ate my meat dinner while Daisy ate healthy. talked about boys. debated on going out. almost stayed in bed watching professional ballroom dancing. decided life is too short to not get drunk. we out with Daisy, Luis, and Manny. met up with Jon-Jay. danced a bit to hip hop. sang to Tribe's "Common Ground" alone. stood in line forever to use the bathroom. started talking to the sweatiest man in the world, Tone. he kept dripping sweat on my arm and telling me he wanted to smell my breath. thought he was funny. exchanged numbers to be friends. realized that that was a bad idea. went to the Crepe-A-Go Go truck. Ate a savory crepe to go. went home. phoned Volney drunk. confessed love and desires to marry. fell asleep. woke up at 6:57am. called Volney. he was drunk. love love. love. passed the phone to his Somoan friend, Steve. Steve was drunk too.

Saturday: didn't sleep very well last night because I kept waking up to call V who is overseas.
showered. dressed. went to work. almost tripped walking downhill. my red flat shoes are worn and pretty much useless. got coffee and a sesame bagel with cream cheeese. only ate half of the bagel. coffee is not cold. received 4 voicemails. another problem with color of bridesmaid dresses, a sizing issue for another woman, and my first appointment was a no show. a drunk man came in to my store to use my phone. he wreaked of alcohol. probably partied too much last night and hooked up with someone in the hood. had to call him mom to pick his ass up. ain't nobody want no damn scrub. tried to give me a hug. i pushed him away. looked up the Berkeley's graduate program for Sociology. looking very appealing. yes indeed.

Saturday morning, you haven't been the nicest. You haven't exactly been mean. You just kinda are "whatever" right now.

Hope this evening brightens up.

heart.

i dont like smelling like a cafe.

2009-07-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

today in San Francisco, it is 55 degrees outside. it is grey with a hint of sprinkles. toward the end
of July, one would believe I'd be exposing skin not hiding it with a knitted scarf and tights.

i went to bed last night in an aura of candlelight. The Walkmen whinning from my computer as i laid comfortably under layers and layers of clothing and bed sheets. i pretended it was the middle of November or beginning of December and i was in Chicago. Long white winters does something to me. I was reminded of car rides in the Weiss van and the way streets and sidewalks look dried out by the freezing precipitation. i blew out the candles for fear I'd wake up in flames.

i woke up this morning to an alarm on my phone entitled "island." Islands are a phenomenon to me. I've never been to Hawaii. I didn't grow up in extreme heat. Reggae music is light, upbeat and positive, unlike the offensive lyrics of underground hip hop I know.

i spent last night untying myself from the pains of work, that which i find to be completely unrewarding. soon enough, things will change. soon enough, i will move on. i ate dinner alone, after not eating all day (a habit which may have stem from my mother). i text a couple of friends, danced in my kitchen, drank 2 glasses of wine, and read poetry. i was reading a book published by an amazing writer, whom i am lucky to say I personally know. i never gave him much credit for reason unknown to me (perhaps my own ego) but he is a wonderful writer. a book dedicated to describing chicago in ways not many would understand - reading them aloud was the highlight of my week.

a realization that has been brewing over the past year: i am struggling between two identities Chicago v. Independent Me. (I could say "Chicago v. California" but it really wouldn't matter where I physically am. I'd probably feel the same struggle if I were any where else.) I've been holding on to this image of who I believe I am & I've been trying my damnest to translate that person to new friends. But it is utterly pointless. Unless you grew up with me and are associated with the lifestyle I led in back home, you aren't going to understand why people cuss so much; why being loud is normal; hustling is a part of life & an attribute which proves character building; you won't understand why people play all night long and drink 40oz in paperbags; party time begins at 12am; art is respect; biking is damn cooler than driving cars.

critical mass - Chicago.

recycled dress.

2009-07-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

feature: recycled empire waist dress with box pleat skirt.
accessories: clean pony tail. bow headband. wedged kenneth coles. tights.
actions: talking to C. working it.

fucked if you do. fucked if you don't.

2009-07-22T18:18:00.001-07:00

today sucked ass.

there is something about my job that i find completely unsatisfying. i guess it's called, "kissing ass." yea, not my main strength.

is there an excerise i can do to shake off the complete crappiness i feel every day when i head into work? should this be motivation for me to work toward my next step..higher education?

i'm so over this. boooooooo!!!

gimmie dat shit.

2009-07-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

paying bills stink, though i feel quite responsible and productive.

which is better? responsible v. poor.

responsible it is. i don't really have a choice here.

goodbye, social life :\
you're too expensive.

california dreamin...of the ex

2009-07-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

it's unfortunate to say but in order to let go, i think i'm going to have to let time pass and quiet the memories of 4 years of my life. that makes me really sad. coping with the loss of a best friend takes longer than a year.

breezy sweater? what was i thinking?!

2009-07-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

i should've listened to one of my bffs, when she told me not to purchase this one specific sweater. it's super warm and the color - butter cake yellow - isn't the most awesomest against my skin tone. oopppfffff... me loves the hang of the sweater but man, not something to wear in 84 degree weather :T

crooked spine.

2009-07-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

i have the worst posture ever.

my fourth of july weekend was amazing (despite you camping nay-sayers...fuck you, jerks!)

traveling outside of comfort zones is extremely difficult. since moving cross country, i see that. there is no place like home. however, there was a reason why i decided to move. though i may not remember why, i did leave and overall i am happy with that.

the past year, i spent a lot of time comparing Chicago to San Francisco. i've made it known to everyone around me that chicago is my number one sweetheart & there ain't no place like it. but damn, it's getting old and no one really cares what i think.

i realize there is much to California than SF. i've let short-term daily goals to blind my general perspective of life. i live by the phone and computer. i've foolishly skinned myself alive to the point where i don't even know how to be alone.

i recently learned that home life in Chicago, isn't the greatest. and it made me feel very guilty for being away. another difficult thing is learning that growing up sometimes means growing away from your closest loved ones.

i've been in my pajamas all morning/afternoon. that doesn't contribute to any situation. i think i'm going to get going before i lose the rest of my day.

was going to write more, but i'm spent. it's been a long morning and i haven't even left my apartment yet.

ps. it's okay to cry. it's called feeling.

CSI in Spanish

2009-06-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

i am 95% complete with my room. this has been said a million times today. i'm just happy that's all. i had a few things on my "to do list" which i didn't complete. that being, laundry and study. it is only 10pm. there might be hope for a little study session.

photos of the room will go up later.

i'm watching CSI in Spanish. the episode is dubbed in Spanish. the fact that i can understand most of it, is pretty radical. they are speaking a little too fast but i'm sure with more practice, i can be a Spanish speaking wizard!

i've been thinking about my past loves lately.

me thinks i needs help

2009-06-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

ive been spending way too much effen money.
today, while at Nordstroms, my flip flops which hold great sentimental value to me, broke in mid-stride. i was given the golden opportunity to purchase sandels. instead of one, i buy two. why? because 1) they were on sale 2) i suck ass. i'm definitely suffering from extreme buyer's remorse.

tomorrow, i plan on finally cleaning up my room and getting shit done.

wakey wakey. the early bird catches the worm.

walked a million miles today. im sore.
a little too lazy to shower. eww??
probably.
but i dont care. i do what i want.

love.

raunchiness does exist with girls.

2009-06-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

today - went to work feeling good. bought bright yellow daisies for my window display. had two appointments. appointments looked helpful. didn't realize it, but so many businesses going under. it scares the bujeebuz out of me. Skype phone Volney. We three-wayed bank to avoid financial blocks. Volney yelled at the person on the other line. made me realize even more how much i love this man. had lunch with Quinn. cheeseburger and curly fries. God bless ranch & mayonaisse. walked back to Flair. heard a woman yell, "shit in my mouth! i love that shit!" Quinn made a comment about golden showers, as a response. Skyped George. Skype called Volney again. smiley face. Quinn and I rode the Van Ness bus toward Muni then toward Dolores Park. walked through the rough "grassy" terrain of dirt (rock). Met her friends. Played with a pug named, "Tiny Dot." Sat on a pink blanket. Grabbed tits and made lude comments. Walked to Latin American Club. Had a tall strong ass margarita. carved D+V on a table. girl talk. taught Q difference between "Presbyterian" and "pedaphile." hilarious moment. split with Lissy and John. was that his name. walked around the Mission. went to some Mexican restaurant. booze + food + free shots + sex talk = fun. so happy i made friends. took a break from dinner, talked to Jer. reminded her that losers need to be cut and are a waste of space and time. left restaurant. found Riva standing awkwardly with a bald man standing near her. "dead palm tree" awkward. walked us three to pick up her bike. on our way to Bart (SF's "L") found a hole in the wall hooka joint, called Oz. sat on the floor on hippie pillows. talked to this young dude named Noel. he's studing architecture. watched him break up a nug. listened to music. reminded me of hippie high school days. left. split from Riva. Q & I continued to Bart. Got off at Powell. Beat the bus and walked home. Pissed in her apartment. Skped George. told him he was a loser. Skyped Volney. took a cab home. spoke to V while in cab. told him what i was wearing. he called me bitch in jest. love hime. watched some Sex & the City. forced myself out of bed to wash my face and brush my teeth. my hair smells like cigs. t-shirt and thong. AquaTeen Hunger Force dvd. write this blog. burp tequila and cheese. end for now. good night.

2009-06-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

repeat. shuffle. and where is my chapstick??

2009-06-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

A "I needs this..." List:

i needs a desk
some monies $$$$$
motivation to work toward my "goal" of going back to school
health insurance
CHAPSTICK ASAP! 911!!!
a more socially active lifestyle
a job that pays super well & doesn't really require the act of working....this I've actually thought about. IF I had that ONE opportunity to become a celebrity i.e. was on a teen show, movie, singer, or celebrity royalty I could totally have it made. Then, me shopping all day drinking lattes with people of the like would pay for itself and I would make "news" on TMZ or whatever.
i need my best friends & family to move to San Francisco
and my dog and cat
i needs a camel, seal, and goat
gonna need my Volney face to be around to help with our camel, seal, and goat (and dog!)
a hug.

Revival ?

2009-05-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

circa 2006.

About the music.

[[one]]
Just east of a cramped dive
a ceiling fan cuts smoke.
A man sits in greasy light
while faint, distant music
remembers her face.

[[two]]
West of a lonely man's kitchen
Youngin's uncover fresh ways of juking.
Sweltering under a thick voice and piano keys
bracing for the night.

[[three]]
A corner sitter
waits.
Her man is out, throwing
quarters on cool cement.
Losing luck.
Dust lies down
on the skipping record.

[[four]]
Before sunrise
lovers slow
drag to begging.
Eyes grip
as hips heave.
vinyl spinning
Nina's cries
for "more, more, and then some..."
He climbs his
hand up and under silk
so gentle
it wouldnt bruise fruit.

[[five]]
fingers tripping over black & white
he tries to catch notes.
A shortfall of experience
Hands lull & he swallows
The drag out.

[[six]]
Simone
always her favorite.
Ninas throaty moans & fast fingers
have a way of leading her
no man could.
Forcing a natural sway,
Her voice fills empty rooms.

green city who loves her doggies

2009-05-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

When I first moved here, I was impressed with the wave of green culture San Francisco seemed to be surfing. Styrofoam is rarely found in restaurants, people look at you funny if you don't own a reuseable grocery bag, and it appears that parking is deliberately inconvenient forcing most to walk and/or take public transportation. I loved the "European" vibe of San Francisco; days begin later and people dine al-fresco all the time. Yoga outfits are just as normal as daily underware and people actually do greet each other "good morning!" A breezy easy going lifestyle.

But at last, the refreshing smiles in the morning are slowly losing its magic. I am beginning to see what was here all along, smug yuppies. From Wrigleyville Chicago to Russian Hill California, yuppies will always annoy me. It's not the money spending, dinner outtings, or the bar-hopping that gets me. God no. If you got the funds, by all means do what you do. It's the arrogance that pisses me off. If anything, the plain hypocrisy or stupidity.

Own your dog and prance around in your yoga outfit in the middle of the day, while everyone works but for the love of God, clean up after your bourgouis doggie's shit. It's not going to magically disappear while you sip your latte in the sun. Plus, there are garbage cans up and down the street. I swear everyone owns a dog in this hood and I cannot stress how much crap there is smeared on the sidewalks! How easily a morning run in ruined when you come home to find shit on your shoe. Shit is shit. Money doesn't change that fact. fuck.

05.18.09

2009-05-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

Dearest Alanna,

[...] I'm thinking of writing a book - a comparison of urban living between Chicago and San Francisco. [...] Maybe you can contribute to this idea with your experiences with Seattle.

Here is a list of things/places/feelings I miss.
- Chicago heat: hot, sticky, paper thin clothing and skin
- hip hop shows
- open mics at Urban Sandbox circa early 2000s
- the dire urge to constantly write
- performing spoken word and the feeling of owning the stage
- summer house parties and dancing til day brea
- cheese fries at 4am in Greek town
- Swank Frank's pizza and being called "muneca" by the guy behind the register
- the one warm rainy night where I stayed in alone watching "Coffee and Cigarettes" eating ice cream with my dog
- the feeling of working towards a goal
- hanging my hand out of the passenger side window with a cigarette gracefully dangling from my fingers
- passionate sex that puts you to sleep
- running through sprinklers
- flowers tracing my face
- driving (in Chicago)
- crows' odd cries outside my bedroom window on Gregory street
- the jingle of the paletero man
- knowing everyone at a bar
- being surrounded by love even when you're alone
- cussing and loud volumes

oooppphhff*

2009-04-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

yesterday was so hot, the creases of my skin were sticky like residual cement glue or bar floors. the weather has cooled down and there's a breeze that shoos the pigeons away from sandwich crumbs from outdoor table settings.

my stomach hurts due to a combination of a big meal, cramps, and bloating.

i hate when customer service and assistance becomes synonymous with wiping someone's ass.

ooopphhff* today is s u c k i n g.

there are two people sitting outside on my store's stoop eating lunch from "to go" containers i've only seen in San Francisco. how I wish i was on the other side of the door hanging out and laughing.

pandora is doing a horrible job playing songs. i'm not feeling their selection!

tonight would be a good time to get my nails done.

sun meet skin. i'm so happy you two met.

2009-04-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

it's 91 degrees today in San Francisco. This is weather you can only dream of during the cold days in the Midwest and can only really count on during the short few days of Chicago summer.

there really isn't much you can do on a day like today except moving at slow paces and being lazy. it's Monday and I'm enjoying my day off sitting at my computer at Chameleon (my very close neighborhood cafe). i like it here, even though there isn't any air circulation. i especially appreciate the strong waves of Janice Joplin singing back-up to the espresso grinder.

i hate the expression, "the grass is always greener on the other side."
something about that phrase annoys me however true it may seem at times. i talked to a few friends of mine today and it's amazing to hear what they are doing these days and their future plans. i've been blessed with extremely talented friends who know how to own that shit.

i will spend the rest of my afternoon planning on how to get my ass back in school. i'm really good at school and fuck. school makes me feel good.

policing ourselves.

2009-04-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

hmm..there's something about a personal blog unlinked to a direct virtual social community (i.e. Myspace, Facebook, etc.) that hinders me from writing. You have to stop and think, who the hell is going to read this and if anyone does, do I really want them to? Why do I care?

(I bet I'm going to post a link on FB and Myspace anyway, so whatever.)

I thought all of these retorical questions exploring philosophies of life were past me and left behind at Don's Coffee Shop during my last years of high school. Unfortunately, i find myself more aware and conscientious of my actions and what the point of it all is.

I work in the wedding industry which has its fun moments and its not so awesome ones to. I find myself faced with the social expectations of marriage, career paths, children, living situations, etc. more and more on a daily basis. I hate this crap. What ever happened to spontaneity and "just living life"?

I think our culture places a strong emphasis on time lines and schedules - that if we aren't at a certain point in our lives by a certain age then we're screwed.

My friend AZ makes a good point: "even now,the pressure to DO and ACCOMPLISH is immense. we police ourselves. in a way, it's really good, this internalized drive...but it also occludes our ability to understand what We Really Want for Ourselves."

what the hell do we do if we're 25+ and realize that our "youth" is slipping?

Thoughts? I'd be happy to take you to lunch if you have an answer.

from Live Journal to here. who knew?

2009-02-23T23:07:00.000-08:00

note to self.
my cat has dreads. use for writing piece.
ya heard?